


Ashes

by arsehood



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Infinity War broke me, M/M, i don't even have tags for this lmao, it's 2am why am i doing this to myself, natasha is in it very briefly?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 02:16:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14486613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arsehood/pseuds/arsehood
Summary: Steve copes with the aftermath of the battle of Wakanda





	Ashes

**Author's Note:**

> I'm high on cold medication and very, very sad.
> 
> Also, I have like 20 iw fics written because that garbage fucking movie ruined me so this might be the first of many, or i may disappear for another 2 years before i write again.
> 
> Enjoy suffering ya'll i love you

Steve Rogers regrets a lot of things.

He regrets not having held Bucky longer once he saw him again. He regrets not having told him how he felt; how he’d been in love with him for as long as he could remember. How he hadn’t been able to tell him back when they’d been in New York, because falling in love with a man wasn’t acceptable in the 40’s, because he didn’t want to lose Bucky over something like that, because it wasn’t like Bucky would have wanted to be with a sickly man who got beat up on the regular anyways.

Then Bucky had come back, and he was almost unrecognizable. He had been through so much Steve was surprised he wasn’t worse. He was broken, with little hope of being fixed (that wasn’t about to stop Steve from trying, from doing all he could to see a smile on Bucky’s face again).

But Bucky hadn’t been okay, and he wasn’t about to burden him with something like his  _ feelings. _ So he’d pushed those feelings aside and just decided to be there for him, support him and comfort him as his best friend. Then Bucky had been getting better, and his smiles had started to reach his eyes again, and Steve  _ really _ thought he’d tell him then, but apparently old prejudices are hard to get rid of, and the thought of Bucky thinking of him as disgusting was enough to stop him.

All of that though, all of that didn’t even  _ matter  _ because Bucky was gone now. Because the way Bucky had looked at him, the uncertain and just utterly afraid ‘Steve?’ that had left his lips had destroyed any resolve he’d had that all he wanted was to hold the other man in his arms and never let go. To tell him that he’d been in love with him for forever and to  _ please _ stay with him, that he couldn’t leave him again.

Bucky’s voice echoed in his head. Soft, scared, his name leaving the other man’s lips like a plea for help before he disappeared, dissolving into ashes right in front of him. Steve’s hand was still extended towards the spot his best friend had been standing moments before.

His eyes began to sting, and then his legs buckled. Steve fell to his knees, and suddenly he felt small again, like the boy he’d been in Brooklyn all those years ago.

He noticed, as silent tears ran down his face, that he was kneeling on Bucky’s ashes. His heart broke, and images of Bucky flashed before his eyes, from before he fell, His smiling, dimpled face seared into his brain.

“No,” he mumbled, eyes glazed over. “ _ No  _ no no,” Steve’s voice cracked, and then he began scooping up as much of the ashes as he could, holding them up to his chest with shaky hands, the ashes slipping through his fingers just as Bucky had. 

He regretted  _ so  _ much. He should have tried harder, he should have done  _ more.  _ Bucky was gone  _ again _ . He was gone again because he wasn’t able to protect him, he was gone and there was absolutely he could do to get him back. This wasn’t like last time; Bucky hadn’t sacrificed himself this for anything this time, there had been no reason for him to die. Bucky had been through  _ so much _ . He had been through so much and he was finally getting better. He was getting better, his eyebags had gone, he was finally getting the happiness he deserved. He didn’t deserve to die like that, afraid and reaching for Steve for comfort as he disappeared.

He looked to the ashes on the ground, being blown away by the wind. The ashes that were now staining his uniform, staining his hands as he held on desperately to what remained of the man he loved. He looked down and  _ cried _ , whispering three words desperately into his hands, quiet.

“I love you,” he whispered, breath catching. “G-God, Buck  _ please _ . Please don’t-”

Natasha’s arm landed on his shoulder, and her voice sounded so far away he almost though he was imagining it. Then the world came back into focus all at once, and Nat’s voice was loud. What remained of the Avengers were discussing what to do next, about how half the universe had gone. The names of the people he loved and considered family mentioned among the dead, every name chipping pieces of his heart away one by one until he felt cold and empty inside. Until the tears had dried to his face, and the ashes on his hands ignited not only grief, but anger.

Slowly, Steve stood, Bucky still held carefully to his chest. His back straight as a pole and his jaw set, he looked towards what remained of his friends, “he  _ won’t  _ get away with this,” he spoke, anger swelling up in his entire body. “Their deaths… we’re going to make sure it wasn’t all for- for nothing. We’re going to make them  _ mean _ something.”

Steve’s voice shook as he forced himself to speak when all he wanted to do was scream. He willed himself to be the leader the Avengers needed. To not be  _ weak.  _

“We couldn’t protect them, but we can avenge them.”

**Author's Note:**

> You made it this far??? Omg???
> 
> Thank you so much for reading my stuff! This is the first time I've ever posted something for Marvel, so I'm kind of nervous. My writing is also super rusty because I've been with writers block for like five years, so if anyone spots anything gross or a grammar mistake let me know!
> 
> I also wanna improve my writing so if anyone has any prompts to help me get started, I'm all ears ;^)
> 
> I love you all, and I hope to see you on my account again soon!
> 
> Anyone wanna talk iw, my twitter is @timmydrke and I am always here to queer.
> 
> ~ Mari


End file.
